My father died 40 years ago this week. I was 6 and my mother never touched me after that until after I got married, I became her mother. She has never let go of my father and we had a conversation about it just recently. She told me her reason for not being able to let go was that she needed a reason why he had died, why her husband had been taken from her. I waited until she had finished explaining and then I asked her to tell me a reason that would have made it all ok. A reason as to why she lost her husband that would have been fine with her. She couldn’t come up with one. She asked me what I thought the reason might be; I gently told her that there wasn’t one. There wasn’t one reason in the world that would have made it ok to loose a husband at such a young age.

I think she understood for the first time that this was true. Her needing a reason was her excuse not to let go and behave in the way she did. We talked about it for a while and she came through the conversation amazingly well much to my relief!

This is an extreme example of ‘if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’ve been getting’.

When I became my mother’s mother at 6 all I knew was that she was unhappy and it was my job to make her happy. It was 20 something years before I stopped and thought about this and I asked myself some questions… is this working for me? Is she happy? Did I succeed?

I had felt like a failure for the first 20 plus years of my life because I failed to make her happy, not my fault of course, as it is impossible to ‘make’ someone else happy. Sure you can bring them happiness but the choice to be a happy person is theirs. So my mothers thinking and choices did not work for her and mine had not worked for me.

I have found since that there have been many areas in my life that I needed to ask the question, ‘how is this working for me?’

If you have been angry with someone for many years ask yourself the same question. How is it working for you, has it changed anything about the event or events that made you angry, has it changed the person involved? Anger is a choice, what you do with the feeling is your choice. My anger only hurts me, it has no affect on anyone else except that it probably makes me not so great to be around.

Look at relationships, does the way I treat or speak to my boyfriend get the result I am looking for? Is my relationship working for me and if not what is it I need to change, (let’s leave him out of it for now,).

Is the approach I have to my boss changing anything to the way I think it should be? Is my complaining at work making any difference?

Is it my thinking about situations that is the problem?

If you keep doing what you’ve been doing you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting!

Time to change the way you think?

Angela Sharp
Living Life Design
angela@livinglifedesign.com

When I finished my trip around the USA my son asked me to tell him what one of the most important lessons was that I felt I had learned. I thought for a minute and then said, “the biggest betrayal you can ever have is the betrayal of yourself when you actually believe your own BS.” He experienced the reality of this a year later when he decided take time off of college after one semester. When he told me about his decision I asked him what made him go straight to college after school. He grinned broadly and replied, “I believed my own BS!” It turned out, as I had always known, that he saw everyone else excited and preparing to go so made himself believe that that is exactly what he wanted. He was concerned about what his friends would think if he chose to take a year off.
He now has the quote about believing your own BS as his favorite quote on his Face book page!

When your life is hectic, there is too much to do and you feel under pressure, guess where a lot of that comes from? Your mind. To simplify our lives let’s start with our minds, our thoughts and change the way we think. Here is one possible all consuming thought we need to clean out right now!

The thought is ‘what do other people think of me?’ We can think this consciously and even sub consciously shown by our actions. This thought actually dictates our behavior in many ways. We think about it of every one from our mother, our friends, work colleges, family and even people we don’t know. How do I know this? Because it is the question I am asked most, ‘how can I stop worrying about what everyone else thinks?’ Sometimes, when I am asked this, my response is “tell me whom ‘everybody’ is?” When investigated ‘everybody’ usually turns out to be one or two people, a handful at the most. We put our lives on hold, stay in a job we hate, raise our children in a certain way, agree with groups of people at a party we actually disagree with all because we are concerned with what ‘everybody’ will think. How time consuming does this concern turn out to be for us? I used to be right there with you, I was always very worried about what everybody thought of me. I would put on such a farce. It made me miserable often; other times I just didn’t realize just how unhappy it made me feel.

The only person’s approval you need is your own. The only opinion you should worry about is yours and here are some reasons why: It is your life and your happiness at stake always. You cannot have any control over or change the way other people think, you can’t make them think in a certain way. People will think what they think whatever they actually tell you and whether you worry about it or not so let it go! It often turns out that the people we really love and care about love us regardless of the choices we make, who knew? These are the people I choose to spend time with.

When we think about what someone else might think of us it causes us stress, fear, anxiety and a feeling of failure. We spend time on this even though we can’t affect it in any way. Ask yourself this question, when has worrying about other people’s opinions ever worked for you, when has your worrying ever changed someone’s mind? If I change my mind it is because I choose to.

Imagine how your life would be if you never had the thought about what other people think of you. Think of how much time you would save and how much more peaceful your life would be.

Try this, write a list of all the people who you know would just love and support you no matter what you decided to do with your life. Those people who would hug you and speak wonderfully encouraging words if you decided to hire a yacht and sail around the world for a year or quit your high paid job and start your own business. Now make a list of the people who would have something negative to say or those you think would. Who matters most? Of course the bottom line is only your approval that matters but isn’t it interesting who our ‘everybody’ or our ‘general other’ turns out to be!

Is it possible to live a life free from the concern of what other people think? Absolutely!

Questions? Email me without obligation.

Angela Sharp
Martha Beck certified Life Coach.
angela@livinglifedesign.com

So what causes us to react, speak or behave in certain ways that we are not always happy with after the event?
Every thought, reaction, choice we make is influenced by the filters that life has caused us to have.

These filters are also called limiting beliefs and they can be a major block in our effort to find our own North Star and true happiness. Some filters, or limiting beliefs are: I’m not good enough – he never listens to me – bad stuff always happens to me – I can’t seem to make good choices for myself – my children’s problems are my fault – I wish I were more intelligent – If only I were more attractive – I could never please my father / mother – I am not good at relationships. I will never get out of debt – My troubled past makes me unlovable – These 20 lbs of baby weight will be permanently attached to my thighs until I die. These are just lies we tell ourselves because we have heard it from someone else in the past or we have been through a time when we have been put down, rejected or ignored. Sometimes it is just a negative thought we have created, told ourselves many times and it has then become a belief.

When we have these beliefs they color everything we do.

Example: The belief I’m not good enough can lead to, my boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse doesn’t think I am good enough. I think he might cheat on me, our relationship won’t last and I’ll screw it up. He’ll want someone more attractive, thinner and more intelligent.

Example: I’m yelling at my son telling him he needs to listen, needs to do something with his life, and that’s coming from a place of I could never please my father and my other half never listens to me. The truth here is that I need to listen to me and my son needs to listen to himself. The funny thing is that when I am telling my son exactly what he should be doing and am yelling and getting very frustrated with him he’s not listening anyway. If my habit is to yell and often be frustrated no one really listens. Who wants to listen to someone who has such an attitude?

When I quietly, lovingly and happily ask my son ‘how’s things going?’ he will sometimes tell me what’s going on with him. Who are you more likely to listen to, a loving peaceful person or an angry, frustrated person?

The answer is to drop limiting beliefs, very hard sometimes but very possible. Who am I when I believe the thought ‘no one listens to me?’ I am angry, feel like a failure, and am often disappointed. Who am I when I question that belief as to its truth and then drop it or choose to think differently? I am peaceful and happy and more confident.

Question your negative thoughts and ask yourself if they are really true. Come up with as many reasons as possible why they may not be true. Then turn the belief around to something positive and more truthful for yourself.
So the turnaround to ‘no one ever listens to me,’ would be sometimes people do listen to me – I need to listen to me – I need to listen to other people.

When you truly get it, it’s liberating and life changing.

angela@livinglifedesign.com

So what causes us to react, speak or behave in certain ways that we are not always happy with after the event?
Every thought, reaction, choice we make is influenced by the filters that life has caused us to have.

These filters are also called limiting beliefs and they can be a major block in our effort to find our own North Star and true happiness.  Some filters, or limiting beliefs are: I’m not good enough – he never listens to me – bad stuff always happens to me – I can’t seem to make good choices for myself – my children’s problems are my fault – I wish I were more intelligent – If only I were more attractive – I could never please my father / mother – I am not good at relationships.  I will never get out of debt – My troubled past makes me unlovable – These 20 lbs of baby weight will be permanently attached to my thighs until I die.  These are just lies we tell ourselves because we have heard it from someone else in the past or we have been through a time when we have been put down, rejected or ignored.  Sometimes it is just a negative thought we have created, told ourselves many times and it has then become a belief.

When we have these beliefs they color everything we do.

Example: The belief I’m not good enough can lead to, my boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse doesn’t think I am good enough.  I think he might cheat on me, our relationship won’t last and I’ll screw it up.  He’ll want someone more attractive, thinner and more intelligent.

Example: I’m yelling at my son telling him he needs to listen, needs to do something with his life, and that’s coming from a place of I could never please my father and my other half never listens to me.  The truth here is that I need to listen to me and my son needs to listen to himself.  The funny thing is that when I am telling my son exactly what he should be doing and am yelling and getting very frustrated with him he’s not listening anyway.  If my habit is to yell and often be frustrated no one really listens.  Who wants to listen to someone who has such an attitude?

When I quietly, lovingly and happily ask my son ‘how’s things going?’ he will sometimes tell me what’s going on with him.  Who are you more likely to listen to, a loving peaceful person or an angry, frustrated person?

The answer is to drop limiting beliefs, very hard sometimes but very possible.  Who am I when I believe the thought ‘no one listens to me?’  I am angry, feel like a failure, and am often disappointed.  Who am I when I question that belief as to its truth and then drop it or choose to think differently?  I am peaceful and happy and more confident.

Question your negative thoughts and ask yourself if they are really true.  Come up with as many reasons as possible why they may not be true.  Then turn the belief around to something positive and more truthful for yourself.
So the turnaround to  ‘no one ever listens to me,’ would be sometimes people do listen to me – I need to listen to me – I need to listen to other people.

When you truly get it, it’s liberating and life changing.

angela@livinglifedesign.com

One of the most wonderful things about my life now is that when people read or hear what my childhood was like they say things like, ‘I never knew’ or no one would ever think that you went through all that. If this were not the case I couldn’t be a Life Coach. I can coach because I know what it takes to change my life. Trust me, this does not make me a saint. When I started to look at the ‘horrible’ things in my life I felt I had no choice but to work through them. The alternative was unthinkable!

If I wanted to be happy again, really happy, I had to forgive, let go, change the way I think and drop many limiting beliefs I had about my life and what I thought my ideals were. In short I had to drop my stories that I had attached to everything in my life I thought was bad. Was this hard? Oh heck yes! Was it worth is? Absolutely. Can you do it? I have no doubts!

Pain is a very weighty thing to carry around. Pain causes you to have certain reactions to things. It colors the relationships you have; it can influence the decisions you make. You may feel that your pain really isn’t that big or significant but if it is pain it is stopping you from finding complete peace and happiness, I know! I know that you probably know too but we get used to it, it becomes part of our life and we think it’s ok. You won’t know how much it affects you until you don’t have it anymore.

My brother, 8 years older than me abused me in many ways when I was growing up. For years afterwards I blamed my mother for knowing what was going on and just allowing it to continue. I wrote a whole story around it for a long time. She should have done something, she obviously didn’t care, she should have called the police and had my brother removed from the house. She let me down, she failed me, it’s no wonder I have issues!

With that story who was I? I was angry, indignant, frustrated and often very sad. Who am I today without that story? I am happy, I love my mother, I am peaceful and content. I rewrote the story; all my ’should’ comments denied reality; my mother should have stopped it. What was the reality? She didn’t! Reality is truth and I love the truth. Keeping the story of what should have happened gave me years of misery. Accepting reality, forgiving and letting go has given me peace and happiness. Try it!

One of the most wonderful things about my life now is that when people read or hear what my childhood was like they say things like, ‘I never knew’ or no one would ever think that you went through all that. If this were not the case I couldn’t be a Life Coach. I can coach because I know what it takes to change my life. Trust me, this does not make me a saint. When I started to look at the ‘horrible’ things in my life I felt I had no choice but to work through them. The alternative was unthinkable!

If I wanted to be happy again, really happy, I had to forgive, let go, change the way I think and drop many limiting beliefs I had about my life and what I thought my ideals were. In short I had to drop my stories that I had attached to everything in my life I thought was bad. Was this hard? Oh heck yes! Was it worth is? Absolutely. Can you do it? I have no doubts!

Pain is a very weighty thing to carry around. Pain causes you to have certain reactions to things. It colors the relationships you have; it can influence the decisions you make. You may feel that your pain really isn’t that big or significant but if it is pain it is stopping you from finding complete peace and happiness, I know! I know that you probably know too but we get used to it, it becomes part of our life and we think it’s ok. You won’t know how much it affects you until you don’t have it anymore.

My brother, 8 years older than me abused me in many ways when I was growing up. For years afterwards I blamed my mother for knowing what was going on and just allowing it to continue. I wrote a whole story around it for a long time. She should have done something, she obviously didn’t care, she should have called the police and had my brother removed from the house. She let me down, she failed me, it’s no wonder I have issues!

With that story who was I? I was angry, indignant, frustrated and often very sad. Who am I today without that story? I am happy, I love my mother, I am peaceful and content. I rewrote the story; all my ’should’ comments denied reality; my mother should have stopped it. What was the reality? She didn’t! Reality is truth and I love the truth. Keeping the story of what should have happened gave me years of misery. Accepting reality, forgiving and letting go has given me peace and happiness. Try it!

I used to be married; I was married for 20 years. I went through a lot of pain when it ended. I now think the man I was married to is a good man, caring, he has integrity and many great gifts. Here is how I found happiness again after such a devastating event.

There was only one thing I knew for certain when I first heard that my husband had been unfaithful to me and that was I had two children and so did my husband and guess what, they were the same two children. This meant something. I hurt so much, I had zero self esteem left and I wanted to kill myself. You just can’t kill yourself when you have children. Our children were 15 and 18; they understood things and had a voice! So I knew that somehow He and I had to be ‘friends’. As far as I know ‘friends’ don’t dismember ‘friends.’ What I knew was I didn’t want my children to have any special occasion in their life ruined by the thought of Mum and Dad being in the same room. This separation was not their choice but ours. I wanted to be able to go to graduations, weddings etc and know that my children would be completely happy that Mum and Dad were ‘ok’ together. The other thing I knew was that the path to happiness is not hate, not revenge, not bitterness or blame. My lawyer fired me for having this belief. The funny thing was that I didn’t think I could ever be happy again but the fact I thought about what the path to happiness was must have meant that my subconscious (or God) knew.

I needed time to find out if I could get through this, if there was a way to get over such seemingly impossible pain. I decided I had to ‘run away from home’ for a while, be alone. I felt I was no use to anyone and that if I stayed I would just give in to the despair and ‘give up’, I needed to be proactive. Leaving town was the best choice I could make for everyone in the long run. The temptation to stay and do everything in my power to make said husbands life a misery was tempting. I had recently heard of a great act of revenge a woman had played on her husband when she found out he had been cheating. She waited until he was out of town, took a hose into his house, soaked the carpet and sofas, scattered grass seed everywhere and turned up the heat! He came home to an award winning lawn all over his house and on every piece of soft furnishing. This sounded so positively delicious to me that I knew it was time to go.

I told him I was going away for a while. This meant he had to take care of our 16-year-old son. “When will you be back,” he asked? “When I don’t want to kill you anymore” I thought. At least I think I only thought it, I can’t actually remember if I said it.

I got in my car and started to drive around America. I knew there was an answer. I didn’t actually know what it was; I just knew the answer, and therefore happiness, was out there. I am still in awe of that ‘knowing’, knowing that there is another way to leave such pain behind. That was all I needed to know at that point. It was ok not to have all the answers but just to know. Maybe that was all I could handle at the time. Maybe if I had known what the answers were, the path I would have to travel it would have been too much. In fact, what am I saying? Of course it would have been too much. If I had had the benefit of seeing the road ahead I would have turned myself over to some institution immediately and said, ‘I’ll take the room with the padded monochromatic motif please!’

I was in Utah at the time I felt a knowing in my heart. I knew that the answer was all about choice, my choice to be happy or not. I was sitting at the top of Dead Horse Point. As I looked out over the river below me and took in the breathtaking view around, I was aware of the warmth of the sun on my skin. There was a breeze and I would have been cold had it not been for the sun. I remember thinking about that. Even though there is cold I feel warm because of the sun. Even though I am in a dark place in my life there is always light around me, I just can’t see it and that’s ok because I am grieving. As I allowed myself time to grieve, a little more light came in each day.

My healing was a long process but heal and forgive I did. I had not been a great wife, I was an ok wife but not a great one. This was not a reason for my husband to do what he did. What my husband did said everything about who he was at the time and nothing about me. My failings and complaints in our marriage said everything about me and nothing about him. We are now friends; he and I went to our daughters wedding together without our other partners. He is a good man.  We talk once every month or so and we are now in great relationships. I have no story anymore around how our marriage ended. Today I do not want to be known as a betrayed divorced woman, that’s not who I am, but as Angela, amazing life coach and strong loving woman. Life is so great when you can let go of your story, understand that people will do what they do and it has nothing to do with us.