It’s My Life..

I used to be married; I was married for 20 years. I went through a lot of pain when it ended. I now think the man I was married to is a good man, caring, he has integrity and many great gifts. Here is how I found happiness again after such a devastating event.

There was only one thing I knew for certain when I first heard that my husband had been unfaithful to me and that was I had two children and so did my husband and guess what, they were the same two children. This meant something. I hurt so much, I had zero self esteem left and I wanted to kill myself. You just can’t kill yourself when you have children. Our children were 15 and 18; they understood things and had a voice! So I knew that somehow He and I had to be ‘friends’. As far as I know ‘friends’ don’t dismember ‘friends.’ What I knew was I didn’t want my children to have any special occasion in their life ruined by the thought of Mum and Dad being in the same room. This separation was not their choice but ours. I wanted to be able to go to graduations, weddings etc and know that my children would be completely happy that Mum and Dad were ‘ok’ together. The other thing I knew was that the path to happiness is not hate, not revenge, not bitterness or blame. My lawyer fired me for having this belief. The funny thing was that I didn’t think I could ever be happy again but the fact I thought about what the path to happiness was must have meant that my subconscious (or God) knew.

I needed time to find out if I could get through this, if there was a way to get over such seemingly impossible pain. I decided I had to ‘run away from home’ for a while, be alone. I felt I was no use to anyone and that if I stayed I would just give in to the despair and ‘give up’, I needed to be proactive. Leaving town was the best choice I could make for everyone in the long run. The temptation to stay and do everything in my power to make said husbands life a misery was tempting. I had recently heard of a great act of revenge a woman had played on her husband when she found out he had been cheating. She waited until he was out of town, took a hose into his house, soaked the carpet and sofas, scattered grass seed everywhere and turned up the heat! He came home to an award winning lawn all over his house and on every piece of soft furnishing. This sounded so positively delicious to me that I knew it was time to go.

I told him I was going away for a while. This meant he had to take care of our 16-year-old son. “When will you be back,” he asked? “When I don’t want to kill you anymore” I thought. At least I think I only thought it, I can’t actually remember if I said it.

I got in my car and started to drive around America. I knew there was an answer. I didn’t actually know what it was; I just knew the answer, and therefore happiness, was out there. I am still in awe of that ‘knowing’, knowing that there is another way to leave such pain behind. That was all I needed to know at that point. It was ok not to have all the answers but just to know. Maybe that was all I could handle at the time. Maybe if I had known what the answers were, the path I would have to travel it would have been too much. In fact, what am I saying? Of course it would have been too much. If I had had the benefit of seeing the road ahead I would have turned myself over to some institution immediately and said, ‘I’ll take the room with the padded monochromatic motif please!’

I was in Utah at the time I felt a knowing in my heart. I knew that the answer was all about choice, my choice to be happy or not. I was sitting at the top of Dead Horse Point. As I looked out over the river below me and took in the breathtaking view around, I was aware of the warmth of the sun on my skin. There was a breeze and I would have been cold had it not been for the sun. I remember thinking about that. Even though there is cold I feel warm because of the sun. Even though I am in a dark place in my life there is always light around me, I just can’t see it and that’s ok because I am grieving. As I allowed myself time to grieve, a little more light came in each day.

My healing was a long process but heal and forgive I did. I had not been a great wife, I was an ok wife but not a great one. This was not a reason for my husband to do what he did. What my husband did said everything about who he was at the time and nothing about me. My failings and complaints in our marriage said everything about me and nothing about him. We are now friends; he and I went to our daughters wedding together without our other partners. He is a good man.  We talk once every month or so and we are now in great relationships. I have no story anymore around how our marriage ended. Today I do not want to be known as a betrayed divorced woman, that’s not who I am, but as Angela, amazing life coach and strong loving woman. Life is so great when you can let go of your story, understand that people will do what they do and it has nothing to do with us.

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