Livinglifedesign’s Weblog

So what causes us to react, speak or behave in certain ways that we are not always happy with after the event?
Every thought, reaction, choice we make is influenced by the filters that life has caused us to have.

These filters are also called limiting beliefs and they can be a major block in our effort to find our own North Star and true happiness. Some filters, or limiting beliefs are: I’m not good enough - he never listens to me - bad stuff always happens to me - I can’t seem to make good choices for myself - my children’s problems are my fault - I wish I were more intelligent - If only I were more attractive - I could never please my father / mother – I am not good at relationships. I will never get out of debt - My troubled past makes me unlovable - These 20 lbs of baby weight will be permanently attached to my thighs until I die. These are just lies we tell ourselves because we have heard it from someone else in the past or we have been through a time when we have been put down, rejected or ignored. Sometimes it is just a negative thought we have created, told ourselves many times and it has then become a belief.

When we have these beliefs they color everything we do.

Example: The belief I’m not good enough can lead to, my boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse doesn’t think I am good enough. I think he might cheat on me, our relationship won’t last and I’ll screw it up. He’ll want someone more attractive, thinner and more intelligent.

Example: I’m yelling at my son telling him he needs to listen, needs to do something with his life, and that’s coming from a place of I could never please my father and my other half never listens to me. The truth here is that I need to listen to me and my son needs to listen to himself. The funny thing is that when I am telling my son exactly what he should be doing and am yelling and getting very frustrated with him he’s not listening anyway. If my habit is to yell and often be frustrated no one really listens. Who wants to listen to someone who has such an attitude?

When I quietly, lovingly and happily ask my son ‘how’s things going?’ he will sometimes tell me what’s going on with him. Who are you more likely to listen to, a loving peaceful person or an angry, frustrated person?

The answer is to drop limiting beliefs, very hard sometimes but very possible. Who am I when I believe the thought ‘no one listens to me?’ I am angry, feel like a failure, and am often disappointed. Who am I when I question that belief as to its truth and then drop it or choose to think differently? I am peaceful and happy and more confident.

Question your negative thoughts and ask yourself if they are really true. Come up with as many reasons as possible why they may not be true. Then turn the belief around to something positive and more truthful for yourself.
So the turnaround to ‘no one ever listens to me,’ would be sometimes people do listen to me - I need to listen to me – I need to listen to other people.

When you truly get it, it’s liberating and life changing.

angela@livinglifedesign.com

So what causes us to react, speak or behave in certain ways that we are not always happy with after the event?
Every thought, reaction, choice we make is influenced by the filters that life has caused us to have.

These filters are also called limiting beliefs and they can be a major block in our effort to find our own North Star and true happiness.  Some filters, or limiting beliefs are: I’m not good enough - he never listens to me - bad stuff always happens to me - I can’t seem to make good choices for myself - my children’s problems are my fault - I wish I were more intelligent - If only I were more attractive - I could never please my father / mother – I am not good at relationships.  I will never get out of debt - My troubled past makes me unlovable - These 20 lbs of baby weight will be permanently attached to my thighs until I die.  These are just lies we tell ourselves because we have heard it from someone else in the past or we have been through a time when we have been put down, rejected or ignored.  Sometimes it is just a negative thought we have created, told ourselves many times and it has then become a belief.

When we have these beliefs they color everything we do.

Example: The belief I’m not good enough can lead to, my boyfriend / girlfriend / spouse doesn’t think I am good enough.  I think he might cheat on me, our relationship won’t last and I’ll screw it up.  He’ll want someone more attractive, thinner and more intelligent.

Example: I’m yelling at my son telling him he needs to listen, needs to do something with his life, and that’s coming from a place of I could never please my father and my other half never listens to me.  The truth here is that I need to listen to me and my son needs to listen to himself.  The funny thing is that when I am telling my son exactly what he should be doing and am yelling and getting very frustrated with him he’s not listening anyway.  If my habit is to yell and often be frustrated no one really listens.  Who wants to listen to someone who has such an attitude?

When I quietly, lovingly and happily ask my son ‘how’s things going?’ he will sometimes tell me what’s going on with him.  Who are you more likely to listen to, a loving peaceful person or an angry, frustrated person?

The answer is to drop limiting beliefs, very hard sometimes but very possible.  Who am I when I believe the thought ‘no one listens to me?’  I am angry, feel like a failure, and am often disappointed.  Who am I when I question that belief as to its truth and then drop it or choose to think differently?  I am peaceful and happy and more confident.

Question your negative thoughts and ask yourself if they are really true.  Come up with as many reasons as possible why they may not be true.  Then turn the belief around to something positive and more truthful for yourself.
So the turnaround to  ‘no one ever listens to me,’ would be sometimes people do listen to me - I need to listen to me – I need to listen to other people.

When you truly get it, it’s liberating and life changing.

angela@livinglifedesign.com

One of the most wonderful things about my life now is that when people read or hear what my childhood was like they say things like, ‘I never knew’ or no one would ever think that you went through all that. If this were not the case I couldn’t be a Life Coach. I can coach because I know what it takes to change my life. Trust me, this does not make me a saint. When I started to look at the ‘horrible’ things in my life I felt I had no choice but to work through them. The alternative was unthinkable!

If I wanted to be happy again, really happy, I had to forgive, let go, change the way I think and drop many limiting beliefs I had about my life and what I thought my ideals were. In short I had to drop my stories that I had attached to everything in my life I thought was bad. Was this hard? Oh heck yes! Was it worth is? Absolutely. Can you do it? I have no doubts!

Pain is a very weighty thing to carry around. Pain causes you to have certain reactions to things. It colors the relationships you have; it can influence the decisions you make. You may feel that your pain really isn’t that big or significant but if it is pain it is stopping you from finding complete peace and happiness, I know! I know that you probably know too but we get used to it, it becomes part of our life and we think it’s ok. You won’t know how much it affects you until you don’t have it anymore.

My brother, 8 years older than me abused me in many ways when I was growing up. For years afterwards I blamed my mother for knowing what was going on and just allowing it to continue. I wrote a whole story around it for a long time. She should have done something, she obviously didn’t care, she should have called the police and had my brother removed from the house. She let me down, she failed me, it’s no wonder I have issues!

With that story who was I? I was angry, indignant, frustrated and often very sad. Who am I today without that story? I am happy, I love my mother, I am peaceful and content. I rewrote the story; all my ’should’ comments denied reality; my mother should have stopped it. What was the reality? She didn’t! Reality is truth and I love the truth. Keeping the story of what should have happened gave me years of misery. Accepting reality, forgiving and letting go has given me peace and happiness. Try it!

One of the most wonderful things about my life now is that when people read or hear what my childhood was like they say things like, ‘I never knew’ or no one would ever think that you went through all that. If this were not the case I couldn’t be a Life Coach. I can coach because I know what it takes to change my life. Trust me, this does not make me a saint. When I started to look at the ‘horrible’ things in my life I felt I had no choice but to work through them. The alternative was unthinkable!

If I wanted to be happy again, really happy, I had to forgive, let go, change the way I think and drop many limiting beliefs I had about my life and what I thought my ideals were. In short I had to drop my stories that I had attached to everything in my life I thought was bad. Was this hard? Oh heck yes! Was it worth is? Absolutely. Can you do it? I have no doubts!

Pain is a very weighty thing to carry around. Pain causes you to have certain reactions to things. It colors the relationships you have; it can influence the decisions you make. You may feel that your pain really isn’t that big or significant but if it is pain it is stopping you from finding complete peace and happiness, I know! I know that you probably know too but we get used to it, it becomes part of our life and we think it’s ok. You won’t know how much it affects you until you don’t have it anymore.

My brother, 8 years older than me abused me in many ways when I was growing up. For years afterwards I blamed my mother for knowing what was going on and just allowing it to continue. I wrote a whole story around it for a long time. She should have done something, she obviously didn’t care, she should have called the police and had my brother removed from the house. She let me down, she failed me, it’s no wonder I have issues!

With that story who was I? I was angry, indignant, frustrated and often very sad. Who am I today without that story? I am happy, I love my mother, I am peaceful and content. I rewrote the story; all my ’should’ comments denied reality; my mother should have stopped it. What was the reality? She didn’t! Reality is truth and I love the truth. Keeping the story of what should have happened gave me years of misery. Accepting reality, forgiving and letting go has given me peace and happiness. Try it!

I used to be married; I was married for 20 years. I went through a lot of pain when it ended. I now think the man I was married to is a good man, caring, he has integrity and many great gifts. Here is how I found happiness again after such a devastating event.

There was only one thing I knew for certain when I first heard that my husband had been unfaithful to me and that was I had two children and so did my husband and guess what, they were the same two children. This meant something. I hurt so much, I had zero self esteem left and I wanted to kill myself. You just can’t kill yourself when you have children. Our children were 15 and 18; they understood things and had a voice! So I knew that somehow He and I had to be ‘friends’. As far as I know ‘friends’ don’t dismember ‘friends.’ What I knew was I didn’t want my children to have any special occasion in their life ruined by the thought of Mum and Dad being in the same room. This separation was not their choice but ours. I wanted to be able to go to graduations, weddings etc and know that my children would be completely happy that Mum and Dad were ‘ok’ together. The other thing I knew was that the path to happiness is not hate, not revenge, not bitterness or blame. My lawyer fired me for having this belief. The funny thing was that I didn’t think I could ever be happy again but the fact I thought about what the path to happiness was must have meant that my subconscious (or God) knew.

I needed time to find out if I could get through this, if there was a way to get over such seemingly impossible pain. I decided I had to ‘run away from home’ for a while, be alone. I felt I was no use to anyone and that if I stayed I would just give in to the despair and ‘give up’, I needed to be proactive. Leaving town was the best choice I could make for everyone in the long run. The temptation to stay and do everything in my power to make said husbands life a misery was tempting. I had recently heard of a great act of revenge a woman had played on her husband when she found out he had been cheating. She waited until he was out of town, took a hose into his house, soaked the carpet and sofas, scattered grass seed everywhere and turned up the heat! He came home to an award winning lawn all over his house and on every piece of soft furnishing. This sounded so positively delicious to me that I knew it was time to go.

I told him I was going away for a while. This meant he had to take care of our 16-year-old son. “When will you be back,” he asked? “When I don’t want to kill you anymore” I thought. At least I think I only thought it, I can’t actually remember if I said it.

I got in my car and started to drive around America. I knew there was an answer. I didn’t actually know what it was; I just knew the answer, and therefore happiness, was out there. I am still in awe of that ‘knowing’, knowing that there is another way to leave such pain behind. That was all I needed to know at that point. It was ok not to have all the answers but just to know. Maybe that was all I could handle at the time. Maybe if I had known what the answers were, the path I would have to travel it would have been too much. In fact, what am I saying? Of course it would have been too much. If I had had the benefit of seeing the road ahead I would have turned myself over to some institution immediately and said, ‘I’ll take the room with the padded monochromatic motif please!’

I was in Utah at the time I felt a knowing in my heart. I knew that the answer was all about choice, my choice to be happy or not. I was sitting at the top of Dead Horse Point. As I looked out over the river below me and took in the breathtaking view around, I was aware of the warmth of the sun on my skin. There was a breeze and I would have been cold had it not been for the sun. I remember thinking about that. Even though there is cold I feel warm because of the sun. Even though I am in a dark place in my life there is always light around me, I just can’t see it and that’s ok because I am grieving. As I allowed myself time to grieve, a little more light came in each day.

My healing was a long process but heal and forgive I did. I had not been a great wife, I was an ok wife but not a great one. This was not a reason for my husband to do what he did. What my husband did said everything about who he was at the time and nothing about me. My failings and complaints in our marriage said everything about me and nothing about him. We are now friends; he and I went to our daughters wedding together without our other partners. He is a good man.  We talk once every month or so and we are now in great relationships. I have no story anymore around how our marriage ended. Today I do not want to be known as a betrayed divorced woman, that’s not who I am, but as Angela, amazing life coach and strong loving woman. Life is so great when you can let go of your story, understand that people will do what they do and it has nothing to do with us.